Saturday, April 27, 2013

Kids Change Everything

I overheard two friends talking.  One friend said his wife was newly pregnant with their first child and asked the other friend for advice because he already had kids.  The advising friend said things like: "Proper diet and exercise are essential..." and then offered some books to read about diet and exercise. It was good stuff, noble stuff. Then the advising friend left.

That's when I sidled up to the future father and gave him real advice:
  • Go watch a movie.  In a theatre.  Make sure the movie is not animated.
  • Drink a large coffee.  The entire thing.  While it is still hot.
  • Go to a quiet fancy restaurant.  Order a steak.  Eat the steak a bite at a time, without cutting up the whole thing first.
  • Sleep in.  Even past 7:00.  Do something crazy in bed, like read an entire newspaper.
  • Go to an expensive dish or crystal store and walk around the displays. 
  • Walk around your home and enjoy the elegance of open electrical outlets.  Light some candles.
  • Get into your car without going into the back seat first.
  • Go to a mall and park in a really narrow spot.  Go into the mall and actually buy something for yourself. Don't encumber your mind with how you'll get through the narrow displays or where the elevators (not escalators) are.
  • Wear something black or something that is really hard to launder.
  • Have a hot bath.  Don't sing.  Just soak.
  • Go to a bar.  Stay there really late.  You don't have to drink.  Just watch what adults are doing in the wee hours.  Notice the laughter and the absence of diapers, bottles, crying, and vomit.  (Okay, there may be some of these things at the bar).
  • Kiss your wife.  A good long kiss.  As much as your life is going to change, it is nothing compared to how hers will.
There are more, but it's probably not prudent for me to post them publicly.  Besides, some of them are why my friend is in this situation in the first place.

[Feel free to add your own in the comments section.]